Thursday, November 11, 2010

So, I've got a story for ya . . .

That's how one of the most interesting and liberating conversations starting for me. On Tuesday night as we were winding down at work and I began to hint to Dr. Bradley to let me go for the evening. He stopped me and said just that - he had a story for me. Apparently, he likes analogies and he rolled into this story about football teams and rebuilding seasons. The moral to his lovely story was that though things at work have been hard the last month (Carey, the precious office manager has been gone) he knows that I have been working hard and things are starting to click. This opened the door for me to agree and say that yes, things are starting to click but I'm still struggling when it comes to reading him and being able to talk to him. Which felt so good. I was able to air something that has been hard for me in a calm and easy manner with no repercussions.

I need to definitely hold onto this conversation for a while because Lord know it may never come again and I'll never know what kind of mood he'll be in every day. Ultimately, there is comfort in that I know that God requested that I not worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles on its own, and He'll be there to protect and guide me. Thank you, God, for this small pick-me-up.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I get to have the crap kicked out of me mentally every day...

I have so much to be grateful for...I love God and he's blessed me with the most amazing husband ever.

But . . . my new job is NOT working out. I've been there for almost three months now, and my head hurts more and more every day from the stress. This was suppose to be perfect. I'd get to meet interesting people and animals, and have fun working hard in a small clinic. Everyone is so robotic there and the owner is not a nice man. He is so sarcastic and rude. Granted I've learned a lot about the receptionist protocol, but I can't keep this up.

I am a firm believer in that we only live once so we might as well live. Getting paid enough money that's helping us live very comfortably is not worth it. I've got to find another job which is so heartbreaking. I don't like change. I've always struggled adjusting to new experiences.

I get an idea of what I see for myself in the future and I tend to stick with it until I get to that point in time and it either works out or doesn't. Typically if it doesn't work out my feet fall out from beneath me for a while, then I pick myself back up and create a new plan with God's help. I want be an agent of change. I want to work in a Christ-centered atmosphere where people treat each other with respect.

There is a perfect job for every person out there. It's been on my mind lately that I may just have to create that perfect job for myself . . .

I wish it could be so simple as to FINALLY hear whether Michael got the job in Massachusetts or not. If he does then I get to quit with a solid reason and move away to another state and start all over there, but if not I get to start searching for a new job while staying at this one. Chin up Lizzybelle, you can do it. Ugh...

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I get to wear the cutest scrubs. . .

In the last three years I truly learned the meaning of praising God even in the darkest of times. I can honestly say that I thank God for my sickness. Being sick has brought me so much closer to Him.

So, I'm at a point that I can shout for joy again at His awesomeness. God blessed me with the first job I applied for. I am now a receptionist at Bradley Animal Hospital in Lawrence. I couldn't be happier there. This job is surreal - I am completely blissed out on what I'm doing.

Even greater than this job though is the fact that with this job Michael was able to quit the evil fast food job. He was getting more and more strung out on the fact that he was working two full jobs. Last Thursday I got the call that I got the job, and I immediately called him and told him he could quit. He did just that, and immediately we both felt like we could breathe.

Also, last Wednesday Michael received Employee of the Month at his Home Depot DC. How exciting!?! This is only going to help him as he continues to work hard at moving up in the company. There is a position in Massachusetts that he's applying for, and in my deepest place of my heart I want this job SO bad! God, seriously, whatever is in your plans, is in your plans. As we said when the position in Ohio was open - whatever happens, happens.

I realize this is a little oxymoronish to what I've been writing about loving my new job. But Michael's job come first, and if he has the opportunity to move up in the company that's ultimately what's best. I really feel in my heart that I'm ready to move away, and my gut says that if this happens then this will be the place to go.

Tomorrow will be my fourth day of working at the hospital, and I'm loving it. It's intense, and it's going to take a while to learn everything but I'm confident that I will succeed.

I found out that my boss, Carey, has adopted three children from Colombia. My mind can't seem to wrap itself around the awesomeness of that act. It has long been on my heart that adopting or fostering children may be in future. I admire her selflessness and loving act of doing this.

Father God, thank You for blessing me with this job and providing a pathway for Michael to be able to relax. Also, please continue to guide Michael as he works hard at Home Depot, and if he's meant to move up in the company please guide him in doing so. Please guide Carey and her family as they embark on this journey of adding to their family.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Starlight Starbright

Today was my first official day of being done with college.

Last night as I drove home from getting security to let me into the union and the chapel I had the most beautiful moon to come home to, and that felt so good.

I can't believe I'm done. I DID IT!!

Thank You, God, for helping me finish. Love you.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Voice

I'm reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God. I've made it to the third section, and I'm enthralled by all of the emotions I'm going through.

I have health drama that has forced me to change my diet. And it's been on my mind more and more to change it more. I'm considering going partway vegetarian, of flexitarian. I'd still eat chicken and fish, but give up beef (it messes with me way too much). I never eat veggies or fruit, and I know I'm not going to get healthy until I start eating correctly.

Roth's book is forcing me to look at how I treat my body. She talks about The Voice, which stems from all the things we learn growing up, namely from our parents. It's the voice of right and wrong, and normally is only brings up the 'bad' things about you. My voice tells me that I won't be accepted until I'm lean and muscular, until I can run a marathon. SCREW YOU, VOICE!! My body is not set up to run a marathon, but my heart does need to be healthier. I have a longing to be a runner, mostly because I've never truly been able to. I have jacked up knees. My voice tells me I'm 22 years old and haven't become disciplined enough to listen to my longing to run yet, so I'm never going to. It's never too late to change - I have struggled with consistent discipline in the past, but I've gotten a lot better.

I struggle with working out consistently also, again, I go a couple weeks and something happens and it fades away. My voice says I'm worthless. SCREW YOU, VOICE. I long to be heart healthy, and I have to make it happen.

My voice needs to start loving me, because I'm awesome. I have lost 40 pounds, and some days I still feel huge all because of that stupid voice. My body looks great. I honestly asked myself if I'd be happy if my body stayed like it is for the rest of my life, and my answer was no. I have to let go of the voice and it's control. I look great. I'm not completely healthy yet but I have a whole life ahead of me and thanks to my losing so much weight I'm capable of making it better.


Monday, May 17, 2010

Changing...morphing...whatever happens.

I got all A's last semester. I did it, I proved people wrong. My heart soared when I looked at my grades. All this hard work and I did it.

That was three weeks ago. I am now in week three of my comprehensives. I feel like I'm drowning. The fear of turning back into I used to be haunts me even more now. I am strong, but scared to death of failing. Today isn't just a bad day - I hurt all the time anymore. My creativity comes when it chooses to come and that is not fair. I need to be able to write about what I believe, but in scholarly, full-circle type of language. I am God's child, that is what I believe.

I am reading all of these words that people much smarter, much more inspired than me have written over hundreds of years. It's easy to read and understand, but to digest and write about it yourself is not an easy task.

Then there is my Comm. comp project. It's beautiful really; woke me up early on a Sunday morning kind of inspiration. Now that reality is here and I'm facing just how hard this project is, I feel like I'm slipping.

I have six more weeks of class. Which now includes a third, hopefully easy A class that I giggle thinking about - Intro. to Stress Management. I hope it's as helpful to me as I'm hoping it will be. That's a lot of hope for one paragraph - so this class may be easy but I'm dependent upon it.

I will be done with college in six weeks. A fact that I will not be able to truly face until it happens. This is the hardest six weeks I think I've ever been through in school. Doing both comprehensives at the same time is close to impossible, especially since I have two of the hardest majors on campus.

There is no stopping this time. There are no excuses. There is no giving up. I'm at the curve before the straight-away and I'm scared to death. I try to be optimistic, but the reality is that I have a ton of work to do and I have to get it done.

I'm working through so much pain. Either my head or my stomach hurts. Something is wrong with me - I can't eat right without pain or getting sick. I will go to the doctor next week. I'm scared there too because all I've ever had at the doctor in the last few years are non-answers. My mom thinks it might be hypoglycemia. I don't care how bad I just want to know. I'm tired of going to doctors and telling them what hurts and not getting any true answers. When I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches, I found the information about it and brought it to my doctor and he agreed and said, "Why didn't I think of that." Truth is, I don't know if they're Clusters anymore. Truth is, I know I hurt bad, but after seeing videos and reading what others have written about them I'm not sure that's what I have. Others seem to hurt a lot worse. Something is wrong, and that's the point, and I want it fixed.

I lost 40 pounds, and I still feel heavy. I started reading Geneen Roth's book Women, Food & God tonight - only after I ate four brownies and a bowl of ice cream. I had heard about it, and then, of course, Oprah raves about it so I just had to check it out from the library. I'm to chapter three and I've already cried, a lot. I have to let go of my goals and figure out what's really going on. You know, dig deep to the real issue. She seems to be hitting some real nerves with me, and I feel like I may actually get something out of her message. It's been on my mind to go at least part way vegetarian. Food is what is making me sick, and I am not eating enough healthy stuff. I have cut out a lot of the main foods that I get sick from, but there are some, like ice cream and cookies, etc, that I haven't let go. I need to figure out a solution.

A big part that's holding me back is Michael. I haven't been standing up for myself with him. He works so hard and I feel guilty spending money on the more expensive foods. My goal for this week is to shop healthy and see where it ends up lining up with what we normally spend.

I have to change due to being sick, but I want to change into the free Elizabeth. The Elizabeth that was innocent of being compared to other people, looked down upon for being herself. I am proud of who I am and I have to recapture that beauty.

I found a quote today that really struck me:

"Never become complacent in anything in life, whether it be driving, work, or relationships, you have to pay attention, and strive toward perfection."
- Elizabeth Wysocki Landino
I agree with the quote, especially with my schooling. But there is so much of my life that I need to reclaim, especially a 'whatever happens, happens' kind of attitude. I have a beautiful marriage, and the world is at our fingertips. But...I have goals and wants, and in order to get those I have to shy away from the complacency that I do so well at. I have to be fierce and determined.
God please help me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Being me...

I have recently come to the conclusion that I thrive on being politically incorrect. If you really stop to think about it, our politics and our society as a whole are falling by the wayside. I want to stand strong.

I'm incredible proud of who I am. I always joke that 'My Momma Taught Me Well,' and she really did. I am always reevaluating and questioning my understanding of the way things are and I reformulate when needed.

Thanks goes to God for giving me purpose and all the happiness in the world with my wonderful life. Praise to the Almighty!!

Semper Reformanda - Always Reforming

Monday, February 8, 2010

Pain, pain go away; come again no other day.

This is from the website:

What is Cluster Headache (CH)?
CH is a rare neurological disorder, affecting approximately 0.1% of the population, which causes excruciatingly severe pain on one side of the head, usually centered around the eye. The pain is often described as boring, burning or stabbing and is often likened to someone plunging a red hot poker into the eye. The pain escalates very rapidly going from zero to debilitating in 5 to 15 minutes and stops as quickly as it starts. Attacks last between 15 minutes and 3 hours and can occur from once every other day to eight times per day, usually at the same times each day. One or more of several physical reactions accompany the pain, always on the same side as the pain. These include watery eye, runny and/or stopped up nose, red/bloodshot eye, a drooping eyelid, forehead and facial sweating and irritability. Unlike with a migraine, a sufferer usually cannot lay down during an attack. Instead, he or she will usually pace the floor, sit rocking back and forth, bang their head on the floor or wall, curse, scream and cry from the pain.

I have a variation that has allowed me some freedom from the severe excruciating pain, but I have chronic CH. I basically have a headache 100% of the time with varying points of my day where the pain reaches a point where I can't sit still and want to scream. Some days are better than others, some are worse. I have had them for almost 3 years now. A paternal aunt had them in her early twenties and again during menopause (I have something awesome to look forward too besides the obvious now).

They're getting better. They don't control every minute of my life anymore. Praise God.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Lessons learned...time to move forward to new days.

I've been in school for 3 weeks now. . . it's going awesome!!

I'm working really hard to stay ahead which as afforded me being able to have my weekends homework free.

Michael and I have weekends together again - it's beautiful and wonderful.

My head has been okay.

My body is really starting to feel like it used to. I'm still not healthy, but I'm getting there.

I have my aches and soreness, but they'll get worked out eventually.

Praise goes to God alone for the awesomeness that is my life!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The greatest form of Pride

Payback for a good deed couldn't get any sweeter. I'm so proud of you Sarahbear.

Take note. Take it to heart. Apply it to your life.

God bless.