Monday, May 17, 2010

Changing...morphing...whatever happens.

I got all A's last semester. I did it, I proved people wrong. My heart soared when I looked at my grades. All this hard work and I did it.

That was three weeks ago. I am now in week three of my comprehensives. I feel like I'm drowning. The fear of turning back into I used to be haunts me even more now. I am strong, but scared to death of failing. Today isn't just a bad day - I hurt all the time anymore. My creativity comes when it chooses to come and that is not fair. I need to be able to write about what I believe, but in scholarly, full-circle type of language. I am God's child, that is what I believe.

I am reading all of these words that people much smarter, much more inspired than me have written over hundreds of years. It's easy to read and understand, but to digest and write about it yourself is not an easy task.

Then there is my Comm. comp project. It's beautiful really; woke me up early on a Sunday morning kind of inspiration. Now that reality is here and I'm facing just how hard this project is, I feel like I'm slipping.

I have six more weeks of class. Which now includes a third, hopefully easy A class that I giggle thinking about - Intro. to Stress Management. I hope it's as helpful to me as I'm hoping it will be. That's a lot of hope for one paragraph - so this class may be easy but I'm dependent upon it.

I will be done with college in six weeks. A fact that I will not be able to truly face until it happens. This is the hardest six weeks I think I've ever been through in school. Doing both comprehensives at the same time is close to impossible, especially since I have two of the hardest majors on campus.

There is no stopping this time. There are no excuses. There is no giving up. I'm at the curve before the straight-away and I'm scared to death. I try to be optimistic, but the reality is that I have a ton of work to do and I have to get it done.

I'm working through so much pain. Either my head or my stomach hurts. Something is wrong with me - I can't eat right without pain or getting sick. I will go to the doctor next week. I'm scared there too because all I've ever had at the doctor in the last few years are non-answers. My mom thinks it might be hypoglycemia. I don't care how bad I just want to know. I'm tired of going to doctors and telling them what hurts and not getting any true answers. When I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches, I found the information about it and brought it to my doctor and he agreed and said, "Why didn't I think of that." Truth is, I don't know if they're Clusters anymore. Truth is, I know I hurt bad, but after seeing videos and reading what others have written about them I'm not sure that's what I have. Others seem to hurt a lot worse. Something is wrong, and that's the point, and I want it fixed.

I lost 40 pounds, and I still feel heavy. I started reading Geneen Roth's book Women, Food & God tonight - only after I ate four brownies and a bowl of ice cream. I had heard about it, and then, of course, Oprah raves about it so I just had to check it out from the library. I'm to chapter three and I've already cried, a lot. I have to let go of my goals and figure out what's really going on. You know, dig deep to the real issue. She seems to be hitting some real nerves with me, and I feel like I may actually get something out of her message. It's been on my mind to go at least part way vegetarian. Food is what is making me sick, and I am not eating enough healthy stuff. I have cut out a lot of the main foods that I get sick from, but there are some, like ice cream and cookies, etc, that I haven't let go. I need to figure out a solution.

A big part that's holding me back is Michael. I haven't been standing up for myself with him. He works so hard and I feel guilty spending money on the more expensive foods. My goal for this week is to shop healthy and see where it ends up lining up with what we normally spend.

I have to change due to being sick, but I want to change into the free Elizabeth. The Elizabeth that was innocent of being compared to other people, looked down upon for being herself. I am proud of who I am and I have to recapture that beauty.

I found a quote today that really struck me:

"Never become complacent in anything in life, whether it be driving, work, or relationships, you have to pay attention, and strive toward perfection."
- Elizabeth Wysocki Landino
I agree with the quote, especially with my schooling. But there is so much of my life that I need to reclaim, especially a 'whatever happens, happens' kind of attitude. I have a beautiful marriage, and the world is at our fingertips. But...I have goals and wants, and in order to get those I have to shy away from the complacency that I do so well at. I have to be fierce and determined.
God please help me.