Friday, May 21, 2010

The Voice

I'm reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God. I've made it to the third section, and I'm enthralled by all of the emotions I'm going through.

I have health drama that has forced me to change my diet. And it's been on my mind more and more to change it more. I'm considering going partway vegetarian, of flexitarian. I'd still eat chicken and fish, but give up beef (it messes with me way too much). I never eat veggies or fruit, and I know I'm not going to get healthy until I start eating correctly.

Roth's book is forcing me to look at how I treat my body. She talks about The Voice, which stems from all the things we learn growing up, namely from our parents. It's the voice of right and wrong, and normally is only brings up the 'bad' things about you. My voice tells me that I won't be accepted until I'm lean and muscular, until I can run a marathon. SCREW YOU, VOICE!! My body is not set up to run a marathon, but my heart does need to be healthier. I have a longing to be a runner, mostly because I've never truly been able to. I have jacked up knees. My voice tells me I'm 22 years old and haven't become disciplined enough to listen to my longing to run yet, so I'm never going to. It's never too late to change - I have struggled with consistent discipline in the past, but I've gotten a lot better.

I struggle with working out consistently also, again, I go a couple weeks and something happens and it fades away. My voice says I'm worthless. SCREW YOU, VOICE. I long to be heart healthy, and I have to make it happen.

My voice needs to start loving me, because I'm awesome. I have lost 40 pounds, and some days I still feel huge all because of that stupid voice. My body looks great. I honestly asked myself if I'd be happy if my body stayed like it is for the rest of my life, and my answer was no. I have to let go of the voice and it's control. I look great. I'm not completely healthy yet but I have a whole life ahead of me and thanks to my losing so much weight I'm capable of making it better.