Monday, April 16, 2012

Can't be left alone apparently

It's been almost a year since Michael told me, in fact, this month 3 years ago is when 'it' happened. Most days I'm fine, but then again most days it rears its ugly head. I've had to be alone a lot the last few days because Michael has been busy with racing and school. Apparently, I can't be left alone because that's when the fear and questions set in.

"Why did this happen?"
"Why do I have to live the rest of my life with this sickening feeling in my stomach?"
"Why does my chest ache from my deeply cracked heart?"

When we're together I often don't think about it. I'm too happy to think about it.

I've always heard that you can't have a good marriage until you're happy with just being you; being by yourself. I thought I was fine with who I was and perfectly content to be by myself. But now being alone gives me too much time to think; too much time to dwell.

I didn't deserve what happened to me, no matter how angry or vicious I was, he shouldn't have gone down that route. He shouldn't have made me live my life in fear of seeing her, of fearing how I'm going to react when I come face-to-face with her.

I started listening to C.S. Lewis' 'The Screwtape Letters' this morning on the way to work. It's amazing hearing the depth at which the devil will go to destroy our lives. From listening I'm grasping that his goal is to get us to think about anything and everything to pull us away from God.

I'm quickly learning that I'm his prime candidate. I've always had problems "letting go". I dwell and I fester until I'm consumed with the thoughts of whatever current plague has risen in my life. Anyone who has ever hurt me I've allowed to take a comfy residence in my head and my heart.

I hear it over and over to just let things go. Seriously? How can you forget, especially when in some of my cases I see said causes of my festering over and over again, and they continue to do stupid stuff that pisses me off?

Dinner with a good college friend Saturday night (my attempt to be more independent from Michael) resulted in her saying what I now know I needed to hear and Screwtape reiterated today. You've got to focus on God and pray, pray, pray.

Complacency is human nature - we literally specialize at it. I've often read of people that focus on what they want so intently in prayer that they're given a strength to deal with whatever burdens them that's unlike any strength we know exists. That's God for you.

God, I want that strength - I need it - I'm begging for it.

Discipline and dedication is what it takes, and oh how those words make me cringe. I'm the queen of complacent, and the devil knows it and he survives off of it.

It's such a nice idea to turn all of your hopes, dreams and aspirations to God. It's another idea all together to turn to Him begging him to help you rid yourself of these thoughts and pain all the while knowing they're probably not going to go away. Is that a lack of faith? I don't know...I know that the reality is Michael hurt me and on another lovely subject is I have a headache every single flipping day. I face facts and I turn to God and I say, "Okay Dad give me the strength to make it through another day." I've gotten tired of asking for him to take the pain away. It's been a year since Michael told me and it's been 5 years since the headaches started. I don't want to be one of those people that prays to God to take the pain away over and over. I want to pray for him to help me today and has a kicker if today could be a good day then great, but I know that He knows in my heart of hearts I would be doubly happy for the pain to go away.

On the flip side though I understand pray over and over to Him to rid oneself of the evil thoughts that often take residency in our minds. After beginning to listen to Screwtape I'm again grasping just how much the devil relishes in our evil thoughts, and the only way to set ourselves up for success is to constantly be in prayer.

I hurt bad a lot of days because of what Michael did, but with the same breath I can tell you confidently that my marriage rocks. What I fear is the darkness that creeps up when I dwell on thoughts of seeing her. Then I become somewhat malicious with my thoughts on wanting to scream to the world what he did because then I'll feel somewhat justified for how someone may judge our relationship? People don't get how we work, but we know we work, so who cares?

Again, why do I let how people perceive me matter so much? It's the classic story of my life, it really is. I've fought against how people view me from the time I was a small child. At church I fought against it, with N I fight against it, and at work I fight against it. I feel like I have to constantly be screaming to the world I'm a good kid, don't let my sarcasm and ugly face get in the way. I overcompensate with my fear of perception by being overly observant of every little thing and end up holding onto every little thing, and then the dwelling and festering begins.

I'm tired of holding on to stuff. But I'm weak enough to know that the moment something bad happens again I know that it will all just begin again: dwell, fester, explode.

The one thing that I haven't tried in a long time is to say screw you complacency and hello real prayer and dedication to God.

I am yours.
My heart is broken
and I really, really, really need
I'm sorry for my evil thoughts,
but I don't have the strength to stop them.
I'm so scared by the pain that sears my heart.
It's starting to take control of my thoughts
and I know soon it's going to take control of my actions.
You are the only one who can fix me.
Dad, I really, really, really need